The security at Minneapolis International Airport loves to confiscate my David Evangelista hair goop. I go there on business sometimes and occasionally forget to leave my little white tube of David Evangelista hair goop at home. He’s a guy who’s cut my hair and his hair goop is, you know, natural. Like not greasy or wet looking. But the problem with David Evangelista hair goop is that it is over the 3.4-ounce terrorist limit. And Minneapolis security, with their Swedish-derived Fargo-like Minnesota accents, love to take it away. In fact, they relish it. They’ve detained me, searched me, rubbed my luggage with some kind of paper strips and then helped themselves to my David Evangelista hair goop. Except…there has never been a single terrorist death in Minneapolis ever caused by David Evangelista hair goop. Not one.
Meanwhile, you can be a Chechen terrorist and have Russia call the US State Department because they’re worried about letting you into their country. I’ll repeat that. Russia calls the US because they are afraid to let you into Russia. Then you can go to the Caucuses, enroll in Dagestan Community College, and study Introduction to Detonation and Comparative Jihad Studies. Then you can live freely near the green fields of Harvard University, enjoy government assistance, disseminate radical jihadist tracts, and all the while not be bothered by anybody.
I can explain this. Though information about this terrorist is sketchy at this point, I will go on record with utter certainty that when they have finally combed through every particle of his life, exhaustively searched his home and scrutinized his possessions, they will not find a single tube of David Evangelista hair goop.
Ironic, because wearing backward baseball caps can really smoosh down your hair.
Meanwhile, you can be a Chechen terrorist and have Russia call the US State Department because they’re worried about letting you into their country. I’ll repeat that. Russia calls the US because they are afraid to let you into Russia. Then you can go to the Caucuses, enroll in Dagestan Community College, and study Introduction to Detonation and Comparative Jihad Studies. Then you can live freely near the green fields of Harvard University, enjoy government assistance, disseminate radical jihadist tracts, and all the while not be bothered by anybody.
I can explain this. Though information about this terrorist is sketchy at this point, I will go on record with utter certainty that when they have finally combed through every particle of his life, exhaustively searched his home and scrutinized his possessions, they will not find a single tube of David Evangelista hair goop.
Ironic, because wearing backward baseball caps can really smoosh down your hair.
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